Hypotheticals

At the commencement of our walk together the other day, a friend shared that they had been asked by someone nearing their quarter-century birthday to write down advice they would have given themselves when they were 25.

I have thought about this frequently in the days since.

When I was 25 I was already two kids into my first marriage. What advice do you give yourself at that point? Is that too late?

“Go ahead and leave now. Don’t ask me how. I have no idea how. Just go and give yourself a few years before you try this again.”

I can’t even imagine.

What if I went younger than 25?

If you’re giving advice to your younger (pre-parent) self when your older self has kids, you run the risk of advising your kids out of existence. What does that look like?

“Sorry, kids.”

Setting aside worrying about the potential existence or non-existence of my three children had I taken a different level of care of myself when I was younger, I thought about what point in life I would want to intervene on my younger self’s behalf and why.

I chose 18.

Things I would say to 18-year-old me (though not all of it is advice):

1. Don’t go home with Drew. He is not your friend.
2. Don’t kiss that boy in Florida. Kiss the girl you who invited you to go there, instead. The one who invited you on a road trip, even though you’d never hung out outside of work before and who made your heart race when she put her head in your lap on the car ride down. Don’t be so afraid of rejection, because then at least you’ll know. (Instead of being in your forties and still wondering about it on occasion.)
3. There are other ways to wake up somewhere else. You don’t have to keep spending the night anywhere but at home.
4. If I got to you too late, that thing that keeps happening is because you didn’t know #1. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Find someone to talk to about it. If you can work through that, it will save you years of fear and confusion and you’ll feel safe again.
5. You can be attracted to anyone of any gender and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re confused or broken. It’s okay. You’re okay. One day people will get it. In the meantime, don’t beat yourself up. Love who you love.
6. You haven’t had any models for this at this point, so you don’t realize it, but you don’t need to be with a man to have children.
7. Just because dating men is “easier” doesn’t mean it’s easier.
8. Don’t overstay when your gut tells you to leave. Trust your gut. It looks impossible, but if you jump, the Universe will catch you.
9. You’re beautiful.
10. I love you, even though you don’t yet.

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kfw 2021